Made of Glass
by Merlinfan26
Summary: Merlin's father abused him and his mother when he was little. So he doesn't like it when Arthur throws things at him. It reminds him too much of his past. Then one day the unthinkable happens. Arthur, unaware of his own strength, accidentally hurts Merlin. Merlin is now afraid of Arthur. As Arthur learns of Merlin's past he is consumed with self loathing. Rated T for the theme
1. Chapter 1

**I just couldn't stop thinking of this story! I changed a fair bit of the storyline in here, at least regarding Merlin's parents. Balinor is not the heroic man he was in the show. I feel kind of bad for making him so evil in this story.**

**Prologue**

Merlin tried not to flinch when Arthur threw things at him.

He knew Arthur didn't _really _mean it.

It wasn't like when his father had hit him when he was little.

Balinor meant every blow.

But still, sometimes Merlin flashed back to a beating when Arthur was having his _temper tantrums-_as Merlin called it.

Then one day things got really horrible when they were in the practice yard. Merlin held up his shield while Arthur struck over and over.

This time Arthur wasn't really trying to hit Merlin, he just needed the practice.

But that was when the panic attack happened.

Merlin freaked when the sword almost struck his shoulder, and he collapsed, while covering his face with the shield.

This reminded him of one of the more brutal beatings with his father.

_"You worthless piece of shit!"_

_Balinor continued to beat on 5 year old Merlin, who covered his face with his arms._

_"Please, father, I'm sorry!"_

_"Sorry?! I'll teach you to be sorry!"_

_With that Balinor forced Merlin up and twisted his arm. He twisted it until there was a loud snap._

_"Stop! You're hurting him!" Hunith had shrieked, trying to piece together her ripped clothing. She flew towards Merlin and started to cradle his arm._

The flashback happened when Arthur had Merlin stand up and he twisted his arm. Merlin knew this was a practice technique,and that Arthur didn't mean to hurt him-but his arm had still never fully recovered from being broken he was so little.

Arthur had twisted it harder, being in the total moment of the situation, placing himself in the battle area, and that was when they all heard a snap.

The knights turned, astonished, and Arthur dropped his grip instantly.

They all stood there, horror stricken, as Merlin held his now limp arm.

Arthur's stomach twisted in horrible guilt.

What the hell had he just done?

He hadn't _meant _to hurt Merlin, but Merlin's face...it was clear the arm was broken. Arthur felt sick.

"Merlin...mate..." He stepped towards his manservant, and for the first time his manservant flinched at his movement and stepped back.

Arthur just stood there, in utter shock at the situation.

Did Merlin just _flinch _at him? Was Merlin _scared _of him?

The idea sickened him to his very core.

"Merlin, I need to check your arm..." He stepped towards Merlin again, and Merlin stepped back some more.

"Merlin..."Arthur looked horrible, and didn't know what else to say. He was all to aware of Gwaine glowering at him. "I'm sorry..."

"Don't touch me," whispered Merlin, in a very fearful and none Merlin voice.

That stunned everyone, including Arthur

Before Arthur could respond Merlin fled.

He didn't know where he was going to go, he just knew he had to get out of there.

He couldn't breathe as he faced the one person he thought would never hurt him.

The one person he thought he could trust.

The one person who had finally failed him, like so many others did.

And now he had no one.

No one except his pain which kept him awake, and fear, as he stayed in the forest while day turned into night, as the sky created darkness to help turn him invisible so no one could ever find him again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, thanks for all the reviews!**

Arthur stood there, dumbfounded and horrified at what he had. The knights all stood there awkwardly, also, except for Gwaine who kept on glowering at Arthur.

"I am _this _close to stabbing you in the chest, princess," he said quietly. The nickname that had once been used with fondness, and a gentle teasing, was now used as an insult and part of a threat._  
_

"Threatening a King is treason, Gwaine," said Leon sharply.

"I don't care," Gwaine snapped back. "Did you see what he did to Merlin?! He broke Meriln's arm! After using him as his own personal punching bag!"

"I...didn't mean to," Arthur finally spoke. He was still in a daze ovver what had just happened, and had barely heard Gwaine's threat. And he didn't care about it, because he deserved some kind of punishment.

"Give me one good reason not to attack you right here, and right now." Gwaine raised his sword. Leon quickly drew his and pointed it at Gwaine.

"Lower it, Gwaine. Don't do something we'll all regret," Leon replied sharply, but in a steady and IwillhurtyouifIhaveto kind of tone.

"Leon, lower your sword." Arthur's voice was quiet when he spoke, and tired sounding.

Leon frowned, but agreed, his eyes constantly on Gwaine-and his hand resting on his weapon still. Elyan and Percival gripped their swords, knowing all too well how Gwaine's anger had gotten him into trouble in the past.

The tension filled the atmosphere as Arthur seemed lost on thought.

Arthur's reaction even puzzled Gwaine. He wasn't sure how the King would react, but he didn't think it would be like this. Arthur had always been in control of his composure.

"The look on his..."Arthur murmured, almost in shock.

Leon hesitated, before speaking.

"Sire?"

"Merlin...did you see the look on his face?" Arthur looked at his men. "He was afraid of me," he stated simply.

No on denied that statement.

"Sire, it wasn't your fault," Leon said quietly.

Gwaine wavered on his anger as he saw how Arthur had reacted to it.

He should have realized it was an accident, but that didn't excuse the fact that Arthur seemed to have enjoyed using Merlin as a punching bag a few moments ago, and before that had chucked a number of things at the young lad. He had seen it all too often, how Merlin would duck-almost cower-and fear would be etched in his eyes.

Did Arthur not see that fear?

This was just the one last thing that made Gwaine snap.

The idea that Arthur could be so unaware of his own strength...so careless on how he treated Merlin while Merlin would risk his life to save Arthur's...

No, he was correct to be angry. He would not let that guilt on Arthur's face change that.

"Where are you going, sire?" Leon asked suddenly as Arthur turned to walk to the woods where Merlin had run off.

"Where does it think I'm going?" Arthur snapped. "I'm going to find Merlin and apologize, and get that arm fixed."

Leon nodded.

"I'll go with you."

"No." Gwaine finally released the tension in his body. "I will."

Arthur frowned, but the nodded.

"Very well."

* * *

Arthur and Gwaine walked in silence for a long time.

"I didn't mean to," Arthur repeated, to fill the void.

Gwaine sighed as he heard the King's deep regret.

"I know, it's not just that."

Arthur stopped, and looked at him.

"What else are you upset about?" Arthur was not one to have heart to heart with his men, but he was so upset and angry at himself that the thought of anyone else hating himself just as much killed him.

Especially when that hatred was coming from Gwaine.

Gwaine's opinion mattered more than he wanted to admit.

"It's the way you hit him, throw things at him..."

Arthur scoffed, and rolled his eyes.

He was tired of everyone telling him to be more nice to Merlin.

Gwen said she didn't like it when Arthur yelled at Merlin, and Gaius suggested that he threw less things at the boy.

_Surely _they all realized that he didn't mean any of it, right?

But the look on Gwaine's face suggested otherwise.

"That's nothing." Arthur shook his head. "I'm just messing with him when I do that; horsing around."

Fury flared in Gwaine at Arthur's ignorance on the matter.

"You really don't see it, do you?" He snapped.

Arthur stared at him, totally perplexed, and lost.

"See what?"

Gwaine almost sputtered the response.

"He's _afraid _of you!"

That response stopped Arthur dead in his tracks.

He turned, slowly and gave Gwaine a hard look.

"Bullshit."

Gwaine rarely heard the King swear-it was only in the tavern, or at a banquet for a celebration of sorts. It threw him for a moment, but he continued.

"He is, I can see the fear in his eyes when you chuck things at him. He _doesn't like it_, and yet _you still do it_. You are _bullying _your most loyal servant! The one servant who would willingly give his life for you. _That's _what's upsetting me!" His voice rose more than he intended it to. He knew it was considered treason to yell at a King, but he didn't care.

Arthur just stared at him, letting the words sink in.

_Bullying _him? He wasn't _bullying _Merlin, was he?

No, Merlin had always teased back. He seemed to laugh at it, or shrugged it off. Or was that a self defensing tactic?

Everything seemed so confusing.

He continued to stare at Gwaine.

"I _don't_ abuse my men, or my servants. I _never _have, and I never will. And I don't appreciate that accusation."

His voice was quiet,calm-more calm than he felt.

Gwaine swallowed.

"I know you don't. You don't mean to make Merlin afraid, but you do."

Arthur just stared.

"Fine, I'll talk to Merlin about it."

Gwaine snorted.

"Do you really think Merlin's going to be able to admit the truth?"

"If not, I'll do most of the talking," Arthur decided. "Come on, now, let's go find him before it gets too dark."

Gwaine nodded, and wondered if he had overstepped his boundaries.

He probably did, but he also realized he didn't care.

But still, it was probably better not to say anything more.

They continued in silence, Arthur lost deep in thought.

He tried to remember all those times when Merlin had ducked when something was being thrown at him.

Merlin had often made wise cracks about it, which caused Arthur to throw more things.

He honestly thought it was a game between the two.

Was there really fear in Merlin's eyes when things were being thrown at him?

He remembered all too well the look of fear on Merlin's face when Arthur had accidently broken his arm.

Arthur would _never _forget that look.

That look of someone who had been betrayed.

Arthur never wanted to see that look again.

He swallowed and prayed that Gwaine wasn't right, that Merlin wasn't afraid of him when he threw things at Merlin.

Because if he was Arthur was convinced he would never be able to forgive himself.

For right then and there there was nothing that Arthur Pendragon hated more than himself.

**I REALLY hope I kept Gwaine and Arthur mostly in character! This whole conversation was rather hard to write.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry this took me so long to update! But thank you for all the reviews! Kind of excited about this story.  
**

Merlin held his limp arm tenderly. He kept on telling himself that Arthur didn't mean it, that it was an accident.

But wasn't that what Balinor had always told Merlin and Hunith when he was sober?

_"Merlin, I'm so sorry son. This drink...it makes me do things It was an accident."_

But Arthur wasn't _anything _like Balinor, at all. So why did Merlin feel frightened of him? Merlin didn't like feeling frightened of the person he considered to be like a brother. And yet, now...

Maybe it was just the shock that made him feel frightened. The shock that Arthur actually hurt him,intentionally or unintentionally. And the memories of Balinor hurting him in a similar way, molding those two incidences together.

When Arthur's mind flashed in him, Balinor's was mixed in it. It was as if his emotions was confusing facts and logic. It was causing him to mix the two up.

He shuddered as he pressed against the tree he was at. Suddenly he heard Arthur shouting his name.

His eyes widened. Arthur was coming to look for him.

_That's something Balinor never would have done_ the logical side told himself.

Still, he wasn't sure if he was ready to face the shame of running away. To face Arthur, and that moment, again.

Unfortunately, for him, he had no choice in the matter. He heard Arthur's voice one more time.

"Merlin."

And looked up.

There was both Arthur and Gwaine.

Merlin jumped up.

"I'm sorry." Arthur raised his hands. "For Gods sakes, am I sorry," he added in a quieter tone.

Merlin hung his head, in shame.

"I'm sorry,also," he replied quietly. Gwaine looked angry at that response.

"Why the hell are you sorry for what this..for what Arthur did?" He tried to control his breathing.

"I'm sorry, for acting like a coward. For running away.

"Merlin." Arthur shook his head. "You don't have to be sorry for anything. It was all my fault...I didn't mean to, you have to know that..."

Merlin nodded quickly.

"I do know that."

"Then why...did you look so terrified?" Arthur looked, and sounded, hurt. "I know it was a shock...but you acted...afraid of me."

Merlin gave a sharp inhale.

"That's because I was."

Arthur opened his mouth, but Merlin waved his hand.

"I have..I have to get this out, don't stop me. I need to finally tell you...to tell someone."

"Let's sit down first," suggested Gwaine, and Arthur and Merlin agreed.

Arthur cursed himself when he saw how Merlin was cradling his broken arm. But he still remained silent.

"This...this wasn't really about you hurting me. I mean it was, but there was more to it than that."

Arthur and Gwaine both waited for Merlin to be ready to spill.

Merlin took a deep, and shaky, breath.

"It's kind of a long story." He looked apologetic when he spoke.

"We have all the time in the world." Gwaine spoke before Arthur could. Arthur nodded, also.

Merlin glanced at the ground, studying it carefully so he wouldn't have to look at them.

Where to begin?

He couldn't believe he was finally telling his two closest friends the truth.

"When I was a kid my father abused me and my mother."

There, it was out.

He said it.

They now knew what his childhood was really like.

And so Merlin paused, before waiting to continue, to study their reactions.

* * *

Arthur just stared at Merlin, his mind blank with shock. Shock was the only word for it.

He had a hard time registering what he had just heard.

_My father abused me and my mother._

His breathing quickened a bit, as he struggled to remain calm. One glance at Gwaine, and he could also see the inner turmoil to remain calm in Gwaine.

Someone hurt Merlin...intentionally.

He was almost seeing red already, and Merlin hadn't told everything yet.

Suddenly Merlin launched into his story.

It was like once he started, he couldn't stop.

That was a good thing. That gave Arthur and Gwaine some time to digest, to cool down...or to get more angry-depending how horrible the story was.

"My father drank a lot, and he was an angry. When he was drunk like that, my mother would try and have me and her stay at a friend's house. Or at least me. I was too little to protect her..."

_"And too uncoordinated with my magic to help at all." Merlin thought to himself as he continued, bitterness in his tone._

"But he didn't like it. He would hunt us down and beat us over at the friends house. There were no...law officials in my tiny village. It was everyone for themselves. Our neighbors tried to help, but they could only do so much."

More heat simmered in Arthur, his whole body tense.

_Make villages have more law officials _he noted to himself. He wondered how much abuse went on in those villages, now, and how unnoticed-and common-they were.

"He blamed it on the drink, and there's some truth to that-I guess...but he never tried to quit. One time...one time when I was 4 he was beating on me because I spilled his ale."

Gwaine silently cursed and there was a tremor in Merlin's voice.

Merlin still refused to look at them.

"My mother was screaming at him to stop, but he'd just knock her around. She's scream that I was just a boy, and he'd just laugh."

Hot, and angry,tears filled Arthur.

It was all he could do to keep from ranting about Merlin's low life, and dead beat, father.

And he thought _he _had had problems with his own father.

Uther may have been many things, but he at least never abused him, his mother, or Morgana.

But still, he knew if he talked now, he wouldn't be able to stop.

He listened to Merlin's heartbreaking story.

"He...he pulled my arm around my back, and twisted it until it snapped-and broke. This arm has always been weak because of that." Merlin nodded to his broken limb.

Gwaine cursed loudly and Arthur just sat there in stony silence.

This explained so much.

No wonder Merlin reacted that way. Arthur, the person he always trusted, had hurt him in the _exact _same way that his father had hurt him. Arthur felt bile in his throat. He hated himself. He wanted to rip out his own heart, because to him he becoming pretty heartless.

How could Merlin even _stand _to look at him now?

Merlin shuddered, as if he could tell what was being thought in that loud silence.

"So that's why," he finished softy. "Why I freaked out like that. It just was a little too close to home, that's all."

Arthur gave a hot and almost angry sounding laugh.

"That's all? That's all?"

Merlin flinched at the tone, and this time Arthur saw it.

Gwaine _was _right. Merlin _was _afraid of him, and while it sickened him to his core, at least he knew why.

Then another thought passed. How much of Balinor did Merlin see in him? That hurt Arthur more than he wanted to admit.

"Merlin, why didn't you tell anyone before?" Arthur was surprised by the gentle sound of Gwaine's voice. He could tell it was controlled effort by the deep breathing next to him.

"I don't know. It's not a great conversation starter. And it happened in the past. This was my new life. I wanted to forget my past. Forget that Balinor ever existed."

Arthur was amazed.

During this whole story Merlin did not cry once. His eyes were watery, yes, but no tears were shed.

A man, no a monster, like Balinor did not deserve Merlin's tears.

"I can understand that," Arthur said softly. "And Merlin...all those times of me chucking things at you...I...I didn't mean to make you frightened. I thought you realized it was just a game...me teasing...That's how I show I like people. It's stupid, really, but it's how I show it. I thought you knew that."

"I did," said Merlin. "And I do...it's just Balinor used to throw stuff at me all the time, and he was doing it to be mean. I just...I get flashes of him when you chuck things at me, that's all. It's not your fault. I need to get over it."

Gwaine sputtered, and was about to speak when Arthur held up his hand to silence him.

"Merlin." His voice was serious. "You don't need to get over _anything_. You were _abused _as a child, for Gods sakes."

"Really,"Merlin assured him. "I'm over it,mostly. And I'll get over it. You don't have to worry. I'm not worth that."

Arthur almost seethed at that comment.

He stared at Merlin and saw false bravado captured on his face. But hidden,deeper,in his eyes Arthur also saw an almost childlike fear. That fear seemed like it was almost begging to be let out.

That fear deserved to be heard, no matter painful. Arthur was no expert, he assumed no one really was, but he sensed that if Merlin didn't face those fears head on-and pretended to be strong-that they would explode one day.

Arthur refused to let that happen.

He stood, and Merlin looked confused when he held out his hand.

"What?"

"Come on, let's go before Gwaine tears down the forest." Arthur gave a slight nod to Gwaine, who sat in angry silence-his eyes a bit darker; and his breathing a bit deeper. His fists were clinched so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Plus, that arm needs to be set. And only Gaius can do a proper job of that," added Arthur.

Merlin just stared at that hand that had caused his arm to break only hours before.

Arthur's eyed him sadly.

"Don't make me beg," he finally said quietly. "I mean...I will, but...please...Merlin, just come back home."

Tears fell in Merlin's eyes. His eyes was a pool of water now.

He swallowed.

"I want you to trust me again," added Arthur.

Merlin was surprised, and touched, and how Arthur's voice quivered-filled with more emotion than normal.

"Do you trust me?" Arthur asked softy, his eyes clearly held fear.

Merlin bit his lip and looked at his King again.

No, Arthur was no Balinor.

He would never do the things Balinor did.

Of course he trusted Arthur.

That never stopped.

So slowly he reached out his hand and grabbed Arthur's.

**Kind of an odd ending, I know, but I hope it wasn't too horrible! And I hope they were all, especially Merlin, in character! **


End file.
